hey wasted, dont you wanna be with me?
things can get tough here you see..
but its been quite boring with just blue,
and heartache brings nothing new.

so I asked myself what was missing..
then I knew it when tears started coming.
they told me that happy was gone,
but I said its ok, she needs her freedom.

"she always, always leaves" cried misery.
if u ask me, maybe its something like destiny.
"its how its supposed to be" claimed fate,
then patience said "no, you just have to wait"

that made me speechless completely,
wouldn't waiting for happy disturb reality?
overtime, that would make you feel lifeless.
and make everything else senseless.

what about love?loves comes with happy.
"you can't force love" said practicality
then distance added "you really can't"
my thought lingered.. why is it there, if it's not meant?

why is it that my questions..
just give me more questions?
is there any logic in that?
if there is, then what?

if these things taught me something
it wouldn't be that confusing.
I'll live with reality, not destiny.
cause I dont want senseless, I want sanity.

but who would truly believe it?
these are just whispers of vague wit..
which screams inside my head
just when I'm about to go to bed.

-312.

***
a poem(?) i found off the net.
weird..but interesting.

damn you, for trusting me..
what's wrong with you?
i'll work for nothing less.
damn you, for accepting my immaturity
when I scream for silence..
child, i'll work for nothing less.

i need patience,
and someone strong enough to hold my breath for me
until the smoke clears.
i need patience,
and time to think before i speak,
for when i'm short of breath,
i tend to lie.

damn you, for letting me sleep till noon
and get away with it.
i'll work for nothing less.
damn you, for keeping quiet when i liked to..
i won't work for anything less.

i need patience,
and someone strong enough to hold my breath for me
until the smoke clears.
i need patience,
and time to think before i speak,
for when i'm short of breath..

i tend to lie.


***

so, i cant sleep..
i just wanna write/type down whats in my mind..
lets see.. hmm.

my eyes hurt but I can't sleep, I feel so good..but oh so weak. am I turning into a freak? lol..
somethings wrong, I feel it creep.. with every minute, it digs deep. is it me, or life is turning bleak? is that my past or present I see? either way, it has to be clear.. so I can bravely face my fear. would i gain or lose something dear? coz I still want to be the same me, when I become finally free.

ahaha,thats it..
im going to bed. >.<
***

..i dont know why.

lately ive been feeling weirdly happy. I wonder whats wrong with me..lol. nothing has changed, I'm still bored out of my mind. but somehow now I can say 'life is good'..to think its really not..life sucks here, a lot. specially when I start school here. oh yea, that's gonna suck for sure. ok, maybe I'm being a lil too pessimistic again.

so, on the brighter side of things..I guess. I feel happy. something is making me happy, and its bothering me not knowing what!! I've always had control over my life..things I do, things I say, people I hangout with, crazy things we do. ..and my emotions as well. who to trust..who to love, be angry or stay quiet. I should feel this or that, and whatever stuff like that.

point is..there is no point.
blogging always helped me, clear my mind or just to pass the time, sharing nonesense to the world. and most of the time, I realize something out of it. sometimes its something that confuses me more and sometimes it just hits me.. like a rock from the sky, knocking sense back to my brain.
anyway.. I still dont know whats making me happy. =/
ugh.. I gotta go.

***

"you're never here for me anymore!" ..she said. we were talking via IM like we always do eversince I got here. I told her I probably won't be going online for the next week. truth is..I just don't wanna talk to her anymore. coz it has never been the same.

I've known her for three years, and she's one of my bestfriends. but now..I can't stand her anymore. all she talks about is her new friends and her 'perfect' life with her guy. (wasn't ur life perfect when I was there? ..coz mine was. =c) ..sigh.

I wish she was more understanding.. I don't know what happened to her when I left. she changed..or maybe its only now that I see the true her.
I wish she knew the feeling of being taken away and being thousands of miles away from everything you're familiar with, from the place u grew up in, the people u love, your awesome friends..your life. I guess she'll never know.. coz I'm not about to explain all that and get it through her thick skull! I think I'm just gonna leave her happy with her 'perfect' life.

I just realized how dependent I am on my friends. and now since I don't have any..I think I need to live for me now. for once. be my own self. I'm in a city I never dreamed to be in. no one knows me. so I can be anyone I want to be..
five months is enough time for me to just be sitting around and wondering.. whats gonna happen now.
this place is not going to change for me.
and its not gonna wait either.

***